Inhale Trust, Exhale Fear

It was about time for a Kelsey post! I hope you're ready for the feelings. Two months with Ava in our lives, and I knew I needed to record some feelings about pregnancy, childbirth, and new motherhood before I forgot what each of those things felt like. So, below is a stream of consciousness attempt at tying all of those things together.

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As a person of the anxious/people-pleasing/trying-too-hard variety, I have found "letting go of control" to be one of the thematic lessons of my life. Because it turns out that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood have provided ample opportunities to practice the skill of letting go, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how everything turned out okay, when I was convinced many many times (Mike can confirm this) that it would not.

Because I knew the birthing process would be hard mentally for me, I adopted the mantra "inhale trust, exhale fear" to help guide my breathing. As someone who is awesome at dreaming up worst-case scenarios that sometimes end up being validated, I believe fear has its place and purpose. However, fear and love/trust have a very hard time existing in the same space and fear's usefulness is very limited to circumstances where you have some control over outcomes. Leaning towards trust and away from fear was extremely grounding during pregnancy and childbirth, and I can already tell it will be my lifeline during motherhood.

Pregnancy

Early on during pregnancy (in addition to worrying about miscarriage and what you're allowed to eat/drink), I found out I tested positive for toxoplasmosis and that I also carried the gene for Cystic Fibrosis. I found this out around 8 weeks pregnant, but it wasn't until 13 weeks pregnant when we were visiting Corpus Christi for the first time, that we found out Mike did not carry the CF gene, so we weren't at risk. It wasn't until around 15 weeks pregnant, when we were vacationing at the beach, that we found out my toxoplasmosis was acquired prior to pregnancy and was not a risk to the fetus (they had to do extensive testing for this). Later in pregnancy, I was also told on different occasions that that my uterus was measuring too small, that Ava was measuring too big, and that scar tissue might prevent me from dilating normally. We also lived less than 2 hours from Brownsville, TX where they had detected the active transmission of Zika virus and were certain it would spread to Corpus Christi during the summer. All of these concerns, while they were super scary at the time, turned out to be non-issues in the end.

What trust over fear would have looked like: Trusting my body's innate ability to grow a human and knowing that I don't have to understand everything to be able to advocate for myself. It would look like staying informed on medical issues, but embracing the fact that things could completely change by my next doctor's appointment...and they did most often.

Childbirth

The Start of Labor

Wednesday, October 11th, I had mild contractions the entire night about 6-7 min. apart and could hardly sleep at all. So when I woke up on October 12th with an interview scheduled that morning, I had to decide whether or not I could do it. I tried to give a practice version of my presentation to Mike, but every 5 minutes I would have to pause and couldn't breathe. I still thought I could do it, but figured it would at least make things awkward and I didn't want to chance going into hard labor at the interview. So I emailed them to say I could not make it and to ask to reschedule. (Note: this is after I had already asked them to reschedule the interview earlier once because I had a feeling labor was imminent.) Mike came home from work early around lunchtime and helped me time my contractions (while also doing some work). We took a walk around our apartment campus and I had to stop walking every so often to lean on Mike. I'm glad not that many people were on campus during the day to witness that. Eventually things got to be painful enough to the point where I wanted to go to the hospital. I was afraid to know how dilated I was, that maybe I was experiencing all of this pain and not dilating. However, it got to the point where I was confident they would admit me.

Getting to the Hospital

And I was right. When we first got to the hospital around 6pm, I was 3 (almost 4) centimeters dilated. It was a surreal experience being admitted. When we were checking into the labor and delivery ward, security has to let you in, and I remember leaning against the wall in pain with contractions while Mike was trying to explain to the security guard how we called ahead and had clearance. After we got into our labor and delivery room, time seemed to stand still for a while. It was night out so our room was very dim and quiet and my contractions got harder and there was only about a minute between each one. Some friends of ours had made me videos of encouragement that Mike had saved on his phone to show me during labor...and Mike also had a video from one of my favorite bloggers, who is also an author, so there were lots of emotional tears. Things started getting a lot more painful after after a couple of hours....we tried the shower, sitting on the toilet (which hurt!), and the bouncy ball. The only thing that really helped was a super hot heating pad my nurse made to apply to my lower back. The nursing staff was great at leaving me alone since I had wanted to do an unmedicated childbirth, but there was one point where I was in so much pain and had to release it through tears and I sobbed pretty hard for about a minute. After that, I told Mike to go find a nurse because I wanted to "talk to someone about medicine" and just see what my options were. Basically, I wanted someone to talk me into getting medication. So the nurse came in and I found out I was 7 centimeters dilated! Yay! It also meant I would have to decide about an epidural soon. I ended up getting a shot of fentanyl which immediately took the edge of the pain off so I could make my decision about the epidural. I ended up getting it (I asked for the 'lightest' epidural they had...I don't know if that actually changed what I received) giving Mike our safe phrase of "I love Great American cookies" (Mike always tried to buy a Great American cookie whenever we went to the mall to walk and I was not a fan, so he knew I would only say this if I was in serious trouble) and saying "I don't need to be a hero." I actually felt really good about the decision and not ashamed.

Epidural

Of course, epidurals have their downsides. While it did pretty immediately numb me, the epidural 'sank' to the bottom of my abdomen, so I could still feel contractions at the top of my abdomen which was still painful and felt really weird to the point where I thought something was wrong. One side of my body was also more numb than the other. And, also, I had to get a catheter. The catheter was probably the worst to me because it always felt uncomfortable and like it was wrongly placed. Epidurals also slow the process of labor down. While Mike and I tried to get some sleep in between people checking on me, we couldn't actually sleep well, and it was hours before I progressed in dilation. Finally they checked me and I was 9.5 centimeters and just had a little bit to go so the nurse advised me to lay on my side because that would help speed the process along. Two nurses had to physically turn me because I was immobile from the epidural, and I immediately felt intense pressure and pain which the nurse told me meant the position was working and that she would come check on me in 10 minutes. I made Mike go get her after 5 minutes because I felt like I had to use the bathroom, which was a sign I was ready to push (and also I was SO done with that side lying position). Then the nurse checked me again and I was totally dilated, so she said she would go get the doctor! By the way, my OBGYN Dr. Nowitzky was on call because the doctor who was supposed to be there that night had called out sick, so we were so glad to have her there to deliver Ava!

There are some women who hate pushing and some women who love it. I loved it...probably because I love having control and pushing is where you actually get to actively engage with your labor rather than just breathing through pain! It was super hard, not intuitive, and a weird kind of painful, but I was in a really primal "zone" where I was completely in tune with myself and my body. I also hit an emotional wall where I realized that even though there were what felt like a crowd of people filing into my room for the pushing stage, I was the only one who could push this baby out of me. No one else could do it for me...which is why I kept telling myself "you got this." Being an athletic person, I thought the breathing would come naturally to me, but it turns out I did it all wrong. Dr. Nowitzky kept telling me to hold my breath so that it would help me push longer, instead of just letting all of the air out. Of course, I wasn't listening to anyone and would keep letting all of my air out. Finally Nowitzky made me pause and look at her and gave me a pep talk about not letting my air out, and then I started pushing effectively. I was also screaming....not from pain (Nowitzky asked me if everything was okay because I was so loud), but I told her I just had to get out my feelings. After only about 5 minutes of pushing (yes this happened fast), they told me her head was out, and I told myself I was getting her out on the next push. One good push where I thought I must have no breath left in me, and out she came! The whole room was amazed with how beautiful she was (I'm sure they  say that to everyone but this time it was Ava so I believe it), and after I got to hold her (an incredibly surreal experience to hold your new baby after the most demanding physical experience of your life), they went to clean her up while Nowitzky stitched me up (Ava gave me a 2nd degree tear on her way out). Everyone said again how beautiful she was and Mike went to take pictures of her. And she was so beautiful! 8 pound and 1 ounce, born at 4:15am on Friday, October 13th.

What trust over fear looked like: It looked like "not being a hero," letting Mike do his thing as my support partner, and not trying to anticipate how much pain I would be in. Pain is just what it is and when it's over, it's over.

Motherhood

From one perspective, being Ava's mom feels like the job I'm least qualified for in the world. I didn't study child development (just a few child psychology classes), I've never really taken care of small children (my sisters and I were too close in age), and I don't have a medical background. Yes, this small person grew inside of me, but we are both just getting to know each other! I'm still learning what her cries mean and I often get it wrong. Oh, and it feels like everything she does changes every day, so I'm always playing catch up!

Staying home with her was never off the table for me, but I came across a job over the summer that was the perfect fit (essentially a more specialized version of what I was doing in DC). Not only did it come with a 5 minute commute and a salary (hey!), but I have really really been craving some meaningful work and adult interaction since we moved here in May and there may not be the same opportunity at our next duty station.

So when offered the job (I had to reschedule my in-person interview after going into labor), I took it. And now we're going through our childcare options because we're still on the wait list for the base daycare. We have a few options lined up, but if I have to be honest, none of them feel good enough for our child. Also, I don't think any daycare would ever measure up to my standards because I would require someone to love her as much as Mike and I do....and no one could.

There is no perfect way to juggle family and work. My dad never had any leave when we were born and my mom only had 6 weeks off. Neither of them had the financial option to not work. I'm fortunate I have options and also that I will have had almost 3 months at home with Ava before starting my new job. One good thing about being a Navy family, is there will always be new opportunities at every duty station. I can always choose to be a stay at home parent later. There will always be new challenges and new things that will worry me, but hopefully I remember these lessons that there will always be an opportunity to lean into trust over fear.

Now for pictures....your reward if somehow you managed to make it through all of those words either by reading or scrolling....:)

Our expressive little girl at the beginning of December.

Smiles for dad when he got home from work.

And pictures from her 2 month old photo-shoot:)

Over the course of the next month, I'm looking forward to soaking up as much time with my girl as possible before starting work in January, hosting grandma Leslie for Christmas and face-timing lots of family, celebrating our 3-year wedding anniversary, and taking a shot weekend trip to the TX Hill Country for New Years!

Ava Meets Ava

Last weekend Ava had some milestones. First, she met her grandfather Jim (grandpa name TBD) and her great-grandparents Ween and Daddy Jim. We tried to document the weekend.

Meeting everyone for the first time.

Ava was very attentive and aware of her surroundings.

Love at first sight.

She was all smiles (and even gave a giggle) when she met them. We told them that they had already seen the high end of her developmental capabilities and to not expect much else. 

Ava meets Ava

Playtime with Ava. Ava has about an hour between naps before she gets fussy during which she has to eat too, so catching her during a good play mood is always nice.

Learning the game where Ava will use your lands like a launchpad to scoot.

This is her tired mood.

She may get some of her expressiveness from her grandpa.

Rupert also likes play time. This picture makes it look like he is batting the toy so that it will move for her. That isn't what happened. Rupert is a selfish cat and he was doing it for himself.

Action shot of tummy time.

Sticking out her tongue for her great grandmother.

It was a great visit and luckily the weather stayed nice until everyone left. This weekend Ava unexpectedly experienced her first snowfall. We did not think that would happen while we were in Corpus, but we weren't supposed to have any major hurricanes either.