Inhale Trust, Exhale Fear

It was about time for a Kelsey post! I hope you're ready for the feelings. Two months with Ava in our lives, and I knew I needed to record some feelings about pregnancy, childbirth, and new motherhood before I forgot what each of those things felt like. So, below is a stream of consciousness attempt at tying all of those things together.

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As a person of the anxious/people-pleasing/trying-too-hard variety, I have found "letting go of control" to be one of the thematic lessons of my life. Because it turns out that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood have provided ample opportunities to practice the skill of letting go, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how everything turned out okay, when I was convinced many many times (Mike can confirm this) that it would not.

Because I knew the birthing process would be hard mentally for me, I adopted the mantra "inhale trust, exhale fear" to help guide my breathing. As someone who is awesome at dreaming up worst-case scenarios that sometimes end up being validated, I believe fear has its place and purpose. However, fear and love/trust have a very hard time existing in the same space and fear's usefulness is very limited to circumstances where you have some control over outcomes. Leaning towards trust and away from fear was extremely grounding during pregnancy and childbirth, and I can already tell it will be my lifeline during motherhood.

Pregnancy

Early on during pregnancy (in addition to worrying about miscarriage and what you're allowed to eat/drink), I found out I tested positive for toxoplasmosis and that I also carried the gene for Cystic Fibrosis. I found this out around 8 weeks pregnant, but it wasn't until 13 weeks pregnant when we were visiting Corpus Christi for the first time, that we found out Mike did not carry the CF gene, so we weren't at risk. It wasn't until around 15 weeks pregnant, when we were vacationing at the beach, that we found out my toxoplasmosis was acquired prior to pregnancy and was not a risk to the fetus (they had to do extensive testing for this). Later in pregnancy, I was also told on different occasions that that my uterus was measuring too small, that Ava was measuring too big, and that scar tissue might prevent me from dilating normally. We also lived less than 2 hours from Brownsville, TX where they had detected the active transmission of Zika virus and were certain it would spread to Corpus Christi during the summer. All of these concerns, while they were super scary at the time, turned out to be non-issues in the end.

What trust over fear would have looked like: Trusting my body's innate ability to grow a human and knowing that I don't have to understand everything to be able to advocate for myself. It would look like staying informed on medical issues, but embracing the fact that things could completely change by my next doctor's appointment...and they did most often.

Childbirth

The Start of Labor

Wednesday, October 11th, I had mild contractions the entire night about 6-7 min. apart and could hardly sleep at all. So when I woke up on October 12th with an interview scheduled that morning, I had to decide whether or not I could do it. I tried to give a practice version of my presentation to Mike, but every 5 minutes I would have to pause and couldn't breathe. I still thought I could do it, but figured it would at least make things awkward and I didn't want to chance going into hard labor at the interview. So I emailed them to say I could not make it and to ask to reschedule. (Note: this is after I had already asked them to reschedule the interview earlier once because I had a feeling labor was imminent.) Mike came home from work early around lunchtime and helped me time my contractions (while also doing some work). We took a walk around our apartment campus and I had to stop walking every so often to lean on Mike. I'm glad not that many people were on campus during the day to witness that. Eventually things got to be painful enough to the point where I wanted to go to the hospital. I was afraid to know how dilated I was, that maybe I was experiencing all of this pain and not dilating. However, it got to the point where I was confident they would admit me.

Getting to the Hospital

And I was right. When we first got to the hospital around 6pm, I was 3 (almost 4) centimeters dilated. It was a surreal experience being admitted. When we were checking into the labor and delivery ward, security has to let you in, and I remember leaning against the wall in pain with contractions while Mike was trying to explain to the security guard how we called ahead and had clearance. After we got into our labor and delivery room, time seemed to stand still for a while. It was night out so our room was very dim and quiet and my contractions got harder and there was only about a minute between each one. Some friends of ours had made me videos of encouragement that Mike had saved on his phone to show me during labor...and Mike also had a video from one of my favorite bloggers, who is also an author, so there were lots of emotional tears. Things started getting a lot more painful after after a couple of hours....we tried the shower, sitting on the toilet (which hurt!), and the bouncy ball. The only thing that really helped was a super hot heating pad my nurse made to apply to my lower back. The nursing staff was great at leaving me alone since I had wanted to do an unmedicated childbirth, but there was one point where I was in so much pain and had to release it through tears and I sobbed pretty hard for about a minute. After that, I told Mike to go find a nurse because I wanted to "talk to someone about medicine" and just see what my options were. Basically, I wanted someone to talk me into getting medication. So the nurse came in and I found out I was 7 centimeters dilated! Yay! It also meant I would have to decide about an epidural soon. I ended up getting a shot of fentanyl which immediately took the edge of the pain off so I could make my decision about the epidural. I ended up getting it (I asked for the 'lightest' epidural they had...I don't know if that actually changed what I received) giving Mike our safe phrase of "I love Great American cookies" (Mike always tried to buy a Great American cookie whenever we went to the mall to walk and I was not a fan, so he knew I would only say this if I was in serious trouble) and saying "I don't need to be a hero." I actually felt really good about the decision and not ashamed.

Epidural

Of course, epidurals have their downsides. While it did pretty immediately numb me, the epidural 'sank' to the bottom of my abdomen, so I could still feel contractions at the top of my abdomen which was still painful and felt really weird to the point where I thought something was wrong. One side of my body was also more numb than the other. And, also, I had to get a catheter. The catheter was probably the worst to me because it always felt uncomfortable and like it was wrongly placed. Epidurals also slow the process of labor down. While Mike and I tried to get some sleep in between people checking on me, we couldn't actually sleep well, and it was hours before I progressed in dilation. Finally they checked me and I was 9.5 centimeters and just had a little bit to go so the nurse advised me to lay on my side because that would help speed the process along. Two nurses had to physically turn me because I was immobile from the epidural, and I immediately felt intense pressure and pain which the nurse told me meant the position was working and that she would come check on me in 10 minutes. I made Mike go get her after 5 minutes because I felt like I had to use the bathroom, which was a sign I was ready to push (and also I was SO done with that side lying position). Then the nurse checked me again and I was totally dilated, so she said she would go get the doctor! By the way, my OBGYN Dr. Nowitzky was on call because the doctor who was supposed to be there that night had called out sick, so we were so glad to have her there to deliver Ava!

There are some women who hate pushing and some women who love it. I loved it...probably because I love having control and pushing is where you actually get to actively engage with your labor rather than just breathing through pain! It was super hard, not intuitive, and a weird kind of painful, but I was in a really primal "zone" where I was completely in tune with myself and my body. I also hit an emotional wall where I realized that even though there were what felt like a crowd of people filing into my room for the pushing stage, I was the only one who could push this baby out of me. No one else could do it for me...which is why I kept telling myself "you got this." Being an athletic person, I thought the breathing would come naturally to me, but it turns out I did it all wrong. Dr. Nowitzky kept telling me to hold my breath so that it would help me push longer, instead of just letting all of the air out. Of course, I wasn't listening to anyone and would keep letting all of my air out. Finally Nowitzky made me pause and look at her and gave me a pep talk about not letting my air out, and then I started pushing effectively. I was also screaming....not from pain (Nowitzky asked me if everything was okay because I was so loud), but I told her I just had to get out my feelings. After only about 5 minutes of pushing (yes this happened fast), they told me her head was out, and I told myself I was getting her out on the next push. One good push where I thought I must have no breath left in me, and out she came! The whole room was amazed with how beautiful she was (I'm sure they  say that to everyone but this time it was Ava so I believe it), and after I got to hold her (an incredibly surreal experience to hold your new baby after the most demanding physical experience of your life), they went to clean her up while Nowitzky stitched me up (Ava gave me a 2nd degree tear on her way out). Everyone said again how beautiful she was and Mike went to take pictures of her. And she was so beautiful! 8 pound and 1 ounce, born at 4:15am on Friday, October 13th.

What trust over fear looked like: It looked like "not being a hero," letting Mike do his thing as my support partner, and not trying to anticipate how much pain I would be in. Pain is just what it is and when it's over, it's over.

Motherhood

From one perspective, being Ava's mom feels like the job I'm least qualified for in the world. I didn't study child development (just a few child psychology classes), I've never really taken care of small children (my sisters and I were too close in age), and I don't have a medical background. Yes, this small person grew inside of me, but we are both just getting to know each other! I'm still learning what her cries mean and I often get it wrong. Oh, and it feels like everything she does changes every day, so I'm always playing catch up!

Staying home with her was never off the table for me, but I came across a job over the summer that was the perfect fit (essentially a more specialized version of what I was doing in DC). Not only did it come with a 5 minute commute and a salary (hey!), but I have really really been craving some meaningful work and adult interaction since we moved here in May and there may not be the same opportunity at our next duty station.

So when offered the job (I had to reschedule my in-person interview after going into labor), I took it. And now we're going through our childcare options because we're still on the wait list for the base daycare. We have a few options lined up, but if I have to be honest, none of them feel good enough for our child. Also, I don't think any daycare would ever measure up to my standards because I would require someone to love her as much as Mike and I do....and no one could.

There is no perfect way to juggle family and work. My dad never had any leave when we were born and my mom only had 6 weeks off. Neither of them had the financial option to not work. I'm fortunate I have options and also that I will have had almost 3 months at home with Ava before starting my new job. One good thing about being a Navy family, is there will always be new opportunities at every duty station. I can always choose to be a stay at home parent later. There will always be new challenges and new things that will worry me, but hopefully I remember these lessons that there will always be an opportunity to lean into trust over fear.

Now for pictures....your reward if somehow you managed to make it through all of those words either by reading or scrolling....:)

Our expressive little girl at the beginning of December.

Smiles for dad when he got home from work.

And pictures from her 2 month old photo-shoot:)

Over the course of the next month, I'm looking forward to soaking up as much time with my girl as possible before starting work in January, hosting grandma Leslie for Christmas and face-timing lots of family, celebrating our 3-year wedding anniversary, and taking a shot weekend trip to the TX Hill Country for New Years!

Ava Meets Ava

Last weekend Ava had some milestones. First, she met her grandfather Jim (grandpa name TBD) and her great-grandparents Ween and Daddy Jim. We tried to document the weekend.

Meeting everyone for the first time.

Ava was very attentive and aware of her surroundings.

Love at first sight.

She was all smiles (and even gave a giggle) when she met them. We told them that they had already seen the high end of her developmental capabilities and to not expect much else. 

Ava meets Ava

Playtime with Ava. Ava has about an hour between naps before she gets fussy during which she has to eat too, so catching her during a good play mood is always nice.

Learning the game where Ava will use your lands like a launchpad to scoot.

This is her tired mood.

She may get some of her expressiveness from her grandpa.

Rupert also likes play time. This picture makes it look like he is batting the toy so that it will move for her. That isn't what happened. Rupert is a selfish cat and he was doing it for himself.

Action shot of tummy time.

Sticking out her tongue for her great grandmother.

It was a great visit and luckily the weather stayed nice until everyone left. This weekend Ava unexpectedly experienced her first snowfall. We did not think that would happen while we were in Corpus, but we weren't supposed to have any major hurricanes either. 

One Month Already?

Ava is already 1/120th on her way to being ten years old, which is a pretty big milestone! She continues to be a delightful potato and is starting to enjoy snuggles to the point that she will not go to sleep unless she is being held. Double-edged sword, I guess. 

And she sure does... tolerate... baths.

Not upset by them, but not super happy either. Benign indifference?

And of course every grandma that comes to visit touches her and she immediately falls asleep as a perfect angel regardless of whatever was going on immediately beforehand. Thanks, Mom.

We did a photoshoot to celebrate her being a month old. I will let you in on a secret: she does not look towards the camera and assume a cute pose on command. You have to work for it.

Here's some behind-the-scenes magic. She enjoys tracking the black-and-white pattern on this squishy toy thing.

And some of the finished products. One month! Perfect baby! 

Only took one(hundred) picture(s) to get this one!

Probably a future gold medalist in a hand to hand combat Olympic event!

This past weekend Ben finally came back from Japan and came to visit us on his way to training for his next job!

He was very excited to meet Ava too. Not as excited as she was, obviously.

And in other milestones, I missed a really big one in Corpus Coopsti and took this picture to document my shame.

First-Time Mom Feelings & Pictures

Kelsey here. I just put Ava down for a nap that hopefully sticks, but I just wanted to quickly share some thoughts about motherhood so far and some pictures I had on my phone from grandma visits. 

Thoughts on being a new mom:

1. It's one of the hardest things that people have been doing since humans have existed. I remember thinking during labor that I can't believe every human being comes into the world that way and that people end up doing it multiple times. (Hopefully one day I'll write my own version of my birth story, but no time today!) Well, once the baby comes out of you, it's still hard. I don't have a ton of experience with infants, but my body housed this child for 9 months and is now her sole provider of nourishment. It's absolutely crazy! But, you know what, throughout the world's entire history, humans have successfully raised their offspring and they didn't even have Google. 
2. It takes a village. Being a new first-time mom can feel pretty lonely and overwhelming (even when you have the most awesome husband and family in the world like I do). Trying to figure out breastfeeding while your body is still recovering can be particularly hard which is why I am so glad I sought out resources here in CC like La Leche League and the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society's visiting nurse program which sends a lactation consultant to do home visits. I've also joined several mom Facebook groups and hope to meet more moms in the community once we have more of a routine down.
3. Self-care has never been more important. I am being very mindful not to push myself too much during these early days and to appreciate the slow pace of my days as much as possible. However, I also know that getting out into the sunshine is good for both me and Ava. Other things that are super important: eating lots of nutritious food and staying hydrated, baths and showers, taking breaks when I can, and asking for help.
4. Perspective helps. There is a huge identity shift that takes place when your body and all of your time is now spent keeping a baby alive. My body and time are no longer 'mine', and while I'm still adjusting to that, it has bothered me a lot less than I thought it would. This is a temporary and fleeting season and my body and time are a very worthy sacrifice for giving this girl everything that she needs. Getting my 'body back' is actually the furthest thing from my mind at this point and I think it will take me a lot longer to get back to regular workouts than anticipated. Every day is different and there's no plan or road map, which can be a nice forced slow down for someone who likes a plan for everything:)

I was listening to a podcast and heard this poem within the first week of being home and it really resonated with and spoke to how my soul was feeling in that exact moment with my body still healing from labor, waking up every couple hours to feed, and feeling a lot of initial pain from breastfeeding. I thought it was so beautiful that I had to share.

http://www.allisonwoodard.com/god-our-mother-poem

To be a Mother is to suffer;

To travail in the dark,

stretched and torn,

exposed in half-naked humiliation,

subjected to indignities

for the sake of new life.

To be a Mother is to say,

“This is my body, broken for you,”

And, in the next instant, in response to the created’s primal hunger,

“This is my body, take and eat.”

To be a Mother is to self-empty,

To neither slumber nor sleep,

so attuned You are to cries in the night—

Offering the comfort of Yourself,

and assurances of “I’m here.”

To be a Mother is to weep

over the fighting and exclusions and wounds

your children inflict on one another;

To long for reconciliation and brotherly love

and—when all is said and done—

To gather all parties, the offender and the offended,

into the folds of your embrace

and to whisper in their ears

that they are Beloved.

To be a mother is to be vulnerable—

To be misunderstood,

Railed against,

Blamed

For the heartaches of the bewildered children

who don’t know where else to cast

the angst they feel

over their own existence

in this perplexing universe

To be a mother is to hoist onto your hips those on whom your image is imprinted,

bearing the burden of their weight,

rejoicing in their returned affection,

delighting in their wonder,

bleeding in the presence of their pain.

To be a mother is to be accused of sentimentality one moment,

And injustice the next.

To be the Receiver of endless demands,

Absorber of perpetual complaints,

Reckoner of bottomless needs.

To be a mother is to be an artist;

A keeper of memories past,

Weaver of stories untold,

Visionary of lives looming ahead.

To be a mother is to be the first voice listened to,

And the first disregarded;

To be a Mender of broken creations,

And Comforter of the distraught children

whose hands wrought them.

To be a mother is to be a Touchstone

and the Source,

Bestower of names,

Influencer of identities;

Life giver,

Life shaper,

Empath,

Healer,

and

Original Love.

Now for the pictures!

Space onesie with her basketball hat and shoes from Auntie Courtney and cousin Ashton.

Walking outside with my mom (Meme) at the wetlands preserve.

First family pic with Mike in peak dad form.

Tummy time! Her neck is already super strong, but she still hates tummy time:)

Another path at the wetlands preserve with Grandma Leslie.

Sunset at the wetlands preserve

Last date night out before Grandma Leslie left....tried a new cocktail bar downtown!

More tummy time in her dinosaur outfit and doing her 'raptor' face.

That's all the feelings and pictures I have time for today! You know I'll keep sharing, though:)

Look, we all knew this was going to be more Ava pictures

I go back to work on Monday, so maybe the pictures will slow down. Maybe not. Ava is two weeks old today, so that's a legitimate milestone to post about, right?

Rupert has continued his long game of feigning disinterest while secretly stalking Ava.

Kelsey's mom got here on Wednesday and has been a huge help. It is clear that Ava is already a fan.

Her umbilical cord is almost completely off, so she has started doing tummy time three times per day. She prefers tummy time on this blanket that Nanny Mary Ann got her. 

 She makes good use of this time and struggles mightily against the forces of gravity. Based on this and her many attempts to escape from swaddles, Kelsey has given Ava her first earned nickname: Kicky.  

She even managed to kick off one of these shoes that Aunt Courtney sent. That said, she is very well behaved when we go out and she is in her car seat.

Speaking of seats, Ava has become more interested in her high-tech toys that bounce her around.

Also, I have realized that her crazy eyes look really familiar.... 

Oh right. There it is. No problem! Everyone just remember to think real good thoughts around her. 

Ava, when you are old enough I hope you appreciate all of these pictures. Please don't wish me into a corn field.

A Few More Ava Pictures

By popular demand:

My coworker Ann very kindly lent us some high tech gadgets from when she had a newborn. This is one of them. Instead of rocking back and forth, it sways from side to side and hops around to simulate being in a car. Ava is not a huge fan yet, but then again she has only ever been on two car rides.

We call these her crazy eyes. You would think they might signify that she is going to soil her diaper. It does not. The meaning remains elusive.

Sometimes she just likes to chill out like a rock star.

This is her favorite sleeping position. Head to the right, arms up.

Brian and Kay sent us this cute little baby holder that lets us put her on the couch with us without worrying about her rolling off. 

That's all for today! I have one week of paternity leave left before I have to go back to work, but Kelsey's mom is coming to visit starting on Wednesday so we will have some backup.

Bonus picture- we tried the baby sling carrier for the first time today. 

Complete success.

A Baby Story

Ava Noel is five days old. Basically in college. I think we have all learned a lot from each other already.

I have some pictures of her. But before we get to those pictures, it is important to preserve, for memory's sake, some photographs of what happened the day leading up to her birth. One day she might ask what we were doing that day. Well, I went to work and Kelsey had a job interview.

You might ask how the job interview went. It did not. Instead she spent the morning doubled over in pain every three to seven minutes and kept track of her contractions using an app. There's an app for everything.

"This contraction is not fun, but it brings us one step closer to meeting Ava." I said that sentence between ten and fifty times during Kelsey's labor, but I did not actually believe it. I knew that it was factually correct (unlike when I told Kelsey, often, that her contractions were almost over, and was flat out lying), but that didn't make it real for me. 

Kelsey did stay in good spirits most of the day. She stayed hydrated, warm, and as comfortable as possible. I was home from work in anticipation of going to the hospital at any moment, so I took pictures. Most of the pictures are of an unhappy Kelsey in pain, so I don't really see a point in putting up more of those. You get the idea. 

There is also one of Kelsey making me a smoothie. I am sure she is very glad that she asked me to stay home so that I could document everything.

Around 6:00PM, the contractions got to the point that it no longer seemed reasonable to stay in the relative comfort of our apartment. The car was already loaded up with everything we needed, so it was an easy five minute drive to the hospital. When we arrived we learned that our doctor was on call that night, so we were pretty excited about that.

After we arrived at the hospital, Kelsey's contractions quickly went from one every three minutes to one every minute. This took the labor from something that was intermittently painful to nonstop torture. It was difficult to see Kelsey in that kind of pain, so I was relieved when she eventually asked for some medication. Her exact words were "I don't need to be a hero." She already had done heroic work, of course.

Another quick (endless) six hours after that, and the nurse called the doctor and let Kelsey know that it was time to start pushing. Kels was initially resistant to the doctor's instructions (she insisted on letting her breath out instead of holding it) but once she worked through her mental haze it only took three or four more contractions for Ava to get here. I was surprised by how much of a baby she looked like when she popped out. I was expecting something more like an alien, with a cone-shaped head and all that extra stuff you normally see on newborns that needs to be cleaned off. After cutting the umbilical cord, I grabbed my camera since everyone else had specific jobs to do and that was the only thing left to me.

I call this one "I had a long night too." It is the first picture that I took of her that was not blurry. The nurse was busy doing initial measurements. 20.5 inches long with a 14 inch head, if anyone was curious.

And it was over like that. Ava was here! The doctor and nurses left us alone in the room for an hour for us to get to know her, and then we moved to another room down the hall for the next two nights.

She was extremely well behaved for someone who was less than a day old, and just wanted to rest or eat for a while.

We love her chubby cheeks. That means she was getting good nutrition from Kelsey and Kelsey's decision to not eat anything fun (sushi, deli meats, soft cheese, and any meat not burned to a crisp) for nine months paid off.

Ava loved being swaddled. Now that she's a big girl of five days old she likes it less. She has become so independent in such a short amount of time. She might change her mind again.

This is one of the last pictures I took at the hospital before we were discharged. Ava and Kelsey had to spend an extra night because Ava had to sit under the anti-jaundice lights. She recovered well from that.

On Sunday, October 15th, we were able to take Ava home and show her around. In between feedings and diaper changes there has also been time for more photo shoots- a trend that hopefully will continue even after I go back to work.

Did I intentionally model her like this? No, that would be silly. Did I sit for fifteen minutes snapping hundreds of pictures waiting for her to naturally happen upon a cute pose? Yes, several times.

Rupert has reacted predictably, given his dichotomy of nerves and curiosity. We have kept him out of the room where Ava is sleeping, but while supervised we let him come in and take a look. He keeps a safe distance because he senses that the bassinet is not for him, and he stares at her through the mesh (the white square on the right of the picture). He will be a good big brother once he figures things out. 

She is only five days old, so she hasn't made up her mind what she wants to be when she grows up and I am not pressuring her into anything. If she wants to be an astronaut, then fine, I won't stop her. But she can be anything she wants: astrophysicist, aerospace engineer, astronomer, space lawyer, whatever.

Ava has been showered in love both from near and far in her short time, and I anticipate this will continue because she is very lovable. Kelsey and I are so grateful that she arrived in good health and are committed to doing the best job that we can for her even though we have no idea what we are doing.